1. The Drinking Buddy
A master at darts, shuffleboard and any other game during which beer is consumed, your drinking buddy is your right-hand man when it comes to downing ridiculous amounts of alcohol.
He'll egg you on when you need it and call you a "panty waist" when he must, all while drinking Ireland under the table. Chances are you've been going out to bars with him for nearly half your life and you still only know him by his nickname.
Why he's an asset: Not only does he have your back in the event of a rowdy bar fight, he's also willing to buy rounds in order to get the party started. Let's be honest: He might not be much of a designated driver and his financial advice is misguided at best, but no one's better when it comes to anchoring your boat race.
2. The Lovable Loser
He's 34 years old, he never finished college and he sleeps in his parents' basement next to the washer and dryer. To make matters worse, his job requires him to wear a hairnet and remove bubblegum from the undersides of high school desks. Sure, he might not have much going for him, but he's never too busy to return your calls.
Why he's an asset: No matter how bad you have it, he'll always have it worse. If you get a chill, he'll get pneumonia. If you get a cold, he'll come down with avian flu. If you get a beautiful girlfriend... well, the point is he's always available to hold the video camera. Who wouldn't want a friend like that?
3. The Mentor
Unlike all of your other friends, the mentor actually has his act together. He dresses well, he's held in high esteem by others and he's achieved success in ways you can only dream of.
Why he's an asset: Apart from being able to pick up the occasional dinner bill, he's also a fountain of good advice. He's been where you want to go and knows all the pitfalls you're likely to encounter along the way. While your other buddies can give you advice on how to crush beer cans on your head, his perspective can actually help you in your career.
4. The Opposite Sex Friend
She's your tour guide into the freakish inner workings of the female mind, an invaluable spy in the battle of the sexes who has been to the other side and back. She may be a cousin, a former lover or a childhood friend (or all three if you live in Kentucky).
Why she's an asset: Her jump shot is dreadful and she throws like a girl, but she makes up for it by helping you to buy clothes and interpreting your girlfriend's psycho rants. Her brutally honest advice might even help you get laid. As if that weren't enough, she's also your fallback date for big events when other women are too busy "washing their hair."
5. The Admirer
Whether he's your lackey at work or the worst player on your softball team, he's the misguided soul who's chosen you as his role model. For reasons that are lost upon most, he looks up to you in every conceivable way. If it weren't for the fact that you acknowledge his presence, your admirer would very quickly become your stalker.
Why he's an asset: Since he holds you in such high esteem, your admirer will boast about your feats to anyone who will listen -- especially women. You can't pay for PR like that.
6. The Single Guy
A bachelor to the nth degree, the single guy lives life by his rules and has the stories (and tattoos) to prove it. Uncompromising in every way, he reports to no one and is always first in line for a raucous boys' night out.
Why he's an asset: Whenever you need a 10th guy for basketball or someone to kick the party into high gear, you can be certain the single guy isn't out having cucumber sandwiches with the in-laws. He prevents you from getting into impossibly complicated relationships and reminds you of the sweet taste of freedom. He's up for anything, including dozens of activities currently prohibited by state and federal laws.
7. The Connected Guy
Need a mechanic? He knows one, good and cheap. In trouble with the law? No problem, he knows a top-notch lawyer who just happens to owe him a favor. Affable and eager to help, this friend has more connections than Kevin Bacon.
Why he's an asset: In short, he knows someone everywhere and is always willing to hook you up -- just make sure to repay the favor.
8. The Rich Guy
Incredibly wealthy and unbelievably generous, the rich guy is the friend you've dreamt of since boyhood. He has all the best toys and his lavish parties frequently get written up in your local newspaper. Best of all, you know he's good for bail money!
Why he's an asset: In addition to his ability to get you into any club, every now and again you actually get to house-sit one of his sprawling mansions (Beautiful Euro Trash sadly not included) or borrow one of his impossibly expensive toys.
9. The Fitness Guy
A combination of Tony Little and Dr. Phil, this friend has the uncanny ability to inspire your body, mind and soul. He's a trusted companion in the weight room who will make sure you stay focused no matter how many hard female bodies are bent over the nautilus equipment.
Why he's an asset: He motivates you to stay in shape and spots you in the weight room. As long as you take his advice, you'll never get scurvy... again.
10. The Hapless Married Guy
Despite being your age, he already has 2.3 children, a lofty mortgage and a wife who makes Genghis Khan look like a philanthropist. Although he'll never admit it, you're reasonably certain she has his testicles locked away in her purse.
Why he's an asset: Above all else, he reminds you of the intrinsic value of staying single. One look at his weary face and stooped shoulders are enough to make you never want to commit again. As an added bonus, he can also tell you which couches offer the best night's sleep.
11. The Wingman
Like a Tonto to your Lone Ranger, the wingman's goal in life is to make sure you get lucky. He's there to brag about your prowess, back up your laughable lies and cockblock the competition.
Why he's an asset: Easily one of your most selfless friends, the wingman is always willing to take one for the team. When absolutely necessary, he'll even slow dance with your pickup's Sasquatch-like friend just so you can have some alone time.
twj at 3:07 PM